Why handbags are great weapons'

Everyone has their own take on what's going wrong with the world.

Godlessness, the sexual revolution, materialism, a lack of table manners; you name it and there's usually a finger pointing at it. Usually. The exception to the rule remains the demise of one of our strongest cultural practices, the ramifications of which still seem to be flying under the radar today.

I'm speaking, of course, of that mainstay of citizen policing from yesteryear: Ladies' Handbag Clobbering. Oh, come on. Let the pacifists say what they like. Back in the day, when the humble carry-all was the preferred weapon of choice for all women, the world was a much safer place. No need for debates over tasers and the like then, one wrong move was likely to be rewarded with an earful of satchel.

We're talking near military-grade ordinance here. A Twitter friend was describing last week how her father was once clocked by a handbag-wielding woman, having been mistaken for Roger Douglas. No-one could blame the attacker for that, I guess. Presumably, even the unlucky victim would have understood once regaining consciousness. But it did get us thinking about the merits of a LHC revival.

For the uninitiated, allow me to explain.

The beauty of Ladies Handbag Clobbering lies in its combined destructive effect. The physical damage is only part of the deal. There's also the sheer spectacle of an enraged woman deploying her fake Christian Dior with roundhouse swings; always a powerful deterrent. And let's not even start on the humiliation of being assailed in such a fashion.

An elder brother once gained first-hand experience of this when attending the cinema back in the 1960s. Having opted to exercise his freedom of choice by not standing for God Save the Queen, he suddenly found himself targeted by a middle-aged harridan, clearly an LHC blackbelt if not a qualified instructor. The bombardment continued for some minutes, even cutting into the opening credits.

You can see where I'm going with this, can't you?

That's right, surely it's time Auckland tweaked a bylaw or three to allow for the return of Ladies Handbag Clobbering. Under urgency, of course, so it's reintroduced before the excesses of the Rugby World Cup. Refresher lessons could be given in the dark arts, tutorials and discussion meetings offered; hardware recommended.

We could even refine the practice, sending out the most proficient LHC specialists on search and destroy missions. Give them a brief to flush out all sorts of community nuisances, from public urinators to Colin Craig, from petty thieves to council bus-lane monitors. I wager the rest would look after itself. Auckland would never look back. Certainly, no-one would ever walk five abreast along K Rd again.

And just imagine if Auckland's biggest pests were to be regularly confronted by the LHC lobby.

Paul Henry would've suffered multiple concussions already, starting at the handbag of Greenpeace spokeswoman, Stephanie Mills. Alasdair Thompson would have been bitch-slapped by Mihingarangi Forbes on national television. John Banks would be at risk every time he opened his mouth, a win-win situation for all.

Still sceptical? Don't be. Folk have already been in touch, volunteering to be part of an advanced LHC guard. One's already promised to provide covert lessons for the women of Epsom, in anticipation of their election candidates. Support is increasing for the movement, numbers are massing on the horizon.

Potted story? It's simple really. If you really want public standards to improve, bring back Ladies Handbag Clobbering. It worked once. Why wouldn't it work again?